I’d been so much on cloud 9 lately that I haven’t had the chance to blog. However, as of right now, I’m in pain. I did something very wrong this past Saturday and I’m really ashamed of it. I hurt the very person that I care so deeply about and I hurt him bad.
Friday, November 12th, I came up to San Francisco after work and we stayed up late cooking all night to prep for an art event the next day. I haven’t been so happy cooking with someone in a very long time. We got toasty over scotch. I was roasting peppers here as he was chopping veggies there. We blissfully enjoyed each other’s company all night. I couldn’t wait until Monday because I took it off and had everything planned out.
Saturday, November 13th, we enjoyed a wonderful event. So many people showed up to the art party. Wow, I thought to myself: “I’m a lucky man. This can only get better and I know how it’s going to happen.” He was being interviewed and was asked, “Are you single, married, partnered, dating?” He took a little long to answer the question and everything came crumbling down inside of me. I let my insecurities take over and assumed the worst. Looking back now, I could have just waited another day to talk to him about what was bothering me, but I thought I knew everything. I thought I was right about this one also. I violated his trust. I thought I have found the evidence.
When I confronted him on Sunday, November 14th, his response was, “You have no idea what that’s all about…” For the first time, I sat on the other end of the couch where I was the one letting the other person down. For the first time, I fucked up. For the first time, I was not right about instincts. I sit here now wondering, what good is instincts when all I presume is the worst? He explained everything and it killed me to see how much I’ve hurt him.
Monday, November 15th, there was no laughter in the air. I apologized and I tried to make a mends. I used all the words I could find to bring him back to me to the point of exhaustion, but his response was, “I don’t feel anything for you right now. I’m just numb.”
“Baby, please don’t say that…”
He crawled under the blankets on my bed. I asked him, “What do you want to do? Should I take you to the bus station so you can go home?”
“I’m just emotionally exhausted right now…”
“Do you want me to give you some time to rest?”
I sat outside and did a little work. I was awake, but it felt like I was caught in a nightmare. This was supposed to be the day. This was supposed to be the day that I asked him to be my boyfriend. Instead, one misstep and everything is rearranged. He opened the glass door to my deck and he said, “I’m already here so might as well go to the gym and get something to eat.” He’s staying… I didn’t care what the outcome was going to be. All I care about was him staying and us working on mending. We both laid on the my bedroom floor finally crying. Then we went to have pho and we were able to laugh and talk about random things. He kicked my butt at the gym. I took him to the mall, then we spent forever at the outlets. We came back at 5PM to check the bus schedule and it doesn’t leave until 7:30PM. We decided to watch a movie. He said, “Let’s watch a funny movie!” I didn’t really have any funny movies that we both haven’t watched. I pulled out Two Weeks Notice. It was funny until the end when the father tells her, “If people can change, the world can change.” It hit a little too close to home and I had to leave to the bathroom because I didn’t want to let him see me cry. I came out and I see he had been shedding a few tears himself.
The movie was over and I had to take him to the station. I tried to make small talk as my chest feels like it’s burning me within. I wanted to just pry my chest wide open. I talked as he sat there in silence. Several times I almost put him hand on his lap, but every time I mean to, I resort to putting my hand on the shift stick.
I dropped him off and here I sit hoping time will make make things ok.