Not Meant To Be Alone

I haven’t been able to blog for the past few days because I’d been so busy and exhausted. Every time I try to write, my thought escapes me as I lose the fight to stay awake.

Updates on my body building progress: I now weigh 127.2 Lbs. So far, that’s a 4.2 Lbs. lean muscle gain, almost half way to goal. My strength has significantly increased and I have sky rocketed to a 300% recovery rate. Several days ago I did shoulders and I now am lifting a max of 165 Lbs. weights as oppose to 70 Lbs. the week prior. That’s a 90 Lbs. increase in plates! We’re going so heavy in weights to force muscle growth that on last Friday morning as I was typing and talking to some co-workers, I looked down and realized there were small circular spots of bruises all over my arms. I freaked out and for the life of me couldn’t understand how it could have happened when all I could recall from the previous day was work, working on biceps and triceps with Nieman at the gym and then home to sleep. I immediately texted Nieman to see if he could have an explanation. He didn’t respond until early afternoon so I was stuck freaking out all day. He says, “The bruises are from tissue damage that occurred from intense weight training, the soft tissue, and the surrounding muscles are damaged internally. This is not uncommon.” It certainly put my mind at ease.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been having some trialing times with Timineri due to the same ‘ol same ‘ol. Yesterday, he came home intoxicated. I don’t really care if he drinks but he doesn’t understand that after a couple drinks, he starts slurring and wants to talk forever about nothing that makes sense. I had a very long day and I had to shove food down my throat and quickly go to bed to get up early for work on my day off. I certainly was not in the mood for his slurring and my tolerance of being around him after he’s been drinking has gotten less and less. He doesn’t understand that it’s not a pleasant experience to be the sober person around him whether he’s plastered drunk or slightly intoxicated. We of course, had a fight because he got confrontational about my mood and I didn’t want to deal with him so I walked away from him and into my room.

He went out and got plastered of course afterwards. Some trick took him home and I had awoken to the slamming of the car door and loud drunken conversation below my bedroom window. I went back to bed. I woke at 4AM to go to work only to find that every single lights in the entire house was turned on and he fell asleep on the couch. I thought to myself, what a sad and pathetic image. He has a habit of turning on every single lights in the house to show off to these tricks and they don’t even care. This Asian most likely won’t ever even come back again. I did my best to shrug it off and rushed to work.

After work I came home to eat before I headed out to the gym. I did well over 1,000 abs crunches today with barely any struggle. I was rockin’ my abs workout to Kelly Clarkson’s new album when I realized I have lost count and decided to stop. I briefly talked to Nieman and he thought it was quite an amazing improvement. I lifted up my shirt for him to review my abs and he says it’s certainly “tighter.” I came home to change before I went to get a haircut. I gave Timineri the cold shoulder before I left because I was still mad.

I spent the day mostly on my own. As I was eating, I remembered several years ago I hooked up with this guy in his hotel room. I never knew his name. We started to get to know each other before getting down to the dirrty business, which is unusual practice for me when hooking up. I recall he was visiting family from Sacramento. He used to live in Sacramento, but then moved to Las Vegas. He was no longer partnered and only looking for no strings attached fling. We had a very hot session. As I was fucking him, he then said to me, “Make love to me…” I was kinda taken back a bit. He then continued to ask, “Is it possible to make love to a stranger?” I treated that as a rhetorical question and did not respond. I continued to fuck him. After we finished and cleaned up, we parted ways. Several months later, Timineri was showing me some photos on his computer and several pictures of that guy was in Timineri’s photos. I asked who that was and he told me him and his partner are his friends. I told Timineri that I know him and that they’re no longer together. He didn’t ask how I know him and I did not go into detail. I look upon this small gay world with such disdain.

I don’t know why, but sometimes, that experience I’ve had replays in my head. Regardless of what any of us say about not wanting commitment or a relationship and wants only no strings attached, the truth is, deep down somewhere in there we all want to give ourselves away and we all want someone to accept us. Some of us fight it and we often resort to acts of desperation in our loneliest state. Some resort to alcohol, some random strings of hookups, some over working, some excessive time at the gym, and some a combination of all. But even through the isolation we at times subject ourselves to, we’re desperate for a connection. We’re desperate to make contact. We, as humans aren’t meant to be alone.

As I wrapped up dinner, I texted Timineri to tell him that I love him. I didn’t realize how him moving to San Francisco would affect me. It’s all happening so fast and it’s just right before the holidays. He texted me back to tell me he loves me and reassured me that he wasn’t leaving me.

3 Comments to "Not Meant To Be Alone"
  • 1) I had 3 drinks after work with my boss. I was not drunk.
    2) There was no trick, it was out mutual friend Randy Amoyen.
    3) you were mad at me before I even got home,

    Reply
  • damn, i was having fun imagining the trick…thanks for ruining my fantasy :-/

    Reply
  • @Timineri: 1. I did not say you were drunk. As the entry says, it’s difficult for me to deal with you when you have a couple beers in your system. You want to talk forever about things that has nothing to do with anything. Like how you called before you got home, but didn’t really have anything about anything to say.
    2. I know when you’re intoxicated whether you are “drunk” or not because you get aggressive and confrontational like you did that night. If it was a day without alcohol, you would just leave me alone. I just wanted to eat and go to bed because I was not thrilled about working the next day at 4AM on my day off.
    3. Isn’t Amoyen like out of state now? Regardless, it’s not a false statement I made even if it didn’t apply to this specific scenario. I’m sorry for mistaking that was a trick. But the entry isn’t about scolding you, it leading up to “loneliness” and how we’re not meant to be alone. I hope you read it in it’s entirety and not selectively picked it apart. The end summed up the purpose of the blog. It doesn’t matter, what matters is there’s not a whole lot of time left until you leave. I just want to spend the time we have enjoying each other’s company. But mind you it’s difficult for me to enjoy your company while you’re intoxicated and I’m sober.

    @Vining: I can’t believe you get off on my writing. That’s awesome. I miss you so much. We need to get together soon. After Timineri is gone, you’re my only BFF in town <3

    Reply

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