Last Saturday afternoon, as I laid in Timineri’s arms recalling how it wasn’t worth staying up late to go out the night before, I tried to open up to him about my feelings. “I want to share something with you and I just want you to listen without input…” After that, the bedroom was just filled with silence. I tried all my might, but the tears silently poured from my eyes like a river. Timineri could not see me cry since I was the outside spoon. I did what I could to gain my composure and I tried to start over again. But when I took a breath, what I needed to say was once again drowned in my own tears. I then murmured, “I don’t want to talk anymore.” Timineri held me tight and gave me a kiss on the back of my head and allowed me to change the subject. He has always been very understanding of my limitations and it reminded me of why I love him like a brother of my own.
The weekend before, I was organizing my closet and purposely ignored the packages on the floor that Barton has sent me. They sat there still unopened for lord knows how long… weeks? months? I do not know why I closed the closet door behind me when there was no one else in the house, but I did. I sat down and opened the packages in the order that they were received. The first out of a tube was a beautiful decorative fan with a tiger hand painted on it. Barton never liked the fan I had for my house. We came across this fan a while back in China Town and we both liked it. It occurred to me that he must have made this purchase after we broke up. The second box I opened had a shot glass from South Carolina. Not too long after we broke up, he had mentioned that his aunt will be visiting him from North Carolina and he has asked her to bring me a shot glass for my collection. Before I opened the last box, I had a feeling of what was in it and that it will be the last box I’ll ever receive from Barton. I quickly tore it apart to get it over with. Inside was my sweater, my bracelet, some socks, my tank top, underwear and some of my swim suits. Everything that I used to purposely left at his place so that I could keep coming back has been returned to me.
I feel like King Midas at the top of my thrown with everything I could ever want lifelessly at my feet. It has been less than 24hrs since Timineri left Sacramento to his new home in San Francisco and this castle is now mine to rule. I’d been awake since 4AM. I can blame it on the rainy weather, but the halls seems darker, the air feels colder, the surroundings much cleaner… because of so, this castle seems to lack it’s charm.
Nothing in my life as of lately has been satisfying to me. I weighed myself at work last Friday and I gained additional muscle mass. I now weigh 129.4 Lbs. That’s 6 Lbs. gain since I started out weighing barely 123 Lbs. three months ago. I’ve worked very hard and it seems meeting goal of 10 Lbs. of lean gain is achievable and is now in plain sight, however, I now won’t settle for just meeting goal. I want to exceed my target. I now belong to an exclusive professional body building gym: Studio 25 that will help me focus, develop and target my goals better. Same trainer, better facility.
I’d been lonely lately. I had thought that I wanted to get back into dating again. I dabbled here and there, but nothing have seemed to stick as of yet. I met a few nice guys and they tell me all about them as if they think I don’t know them at all, but for the most part I do. People tell us who they are, but we don’t listen because we want them to be something else. I realized that what I’m searching for isn’t exactly a relationship, but a connection… companionship.
We’re flawed because we want so much more. We’re ruined because we get these things and wish for what we had.